The past few weeks to months, I've found myself reflecting on where I am internally in life and I am overjoyed to the point of no words. I am so thankful for progress! I'm beginning to understand who God is more clearly and more vividly each and everyday. One thing I am sure of now is that He knows exactly what He is doing. I'm excited about life now because I see Him leading me through different situations, opening my eyes to see the truth, fashioning my heart to understand and opening my mind to His limitless nature! I can't even begin to describe how at peace I am with me. I have discovered a freedom in God that liberates me from the attitudes, perceptions and judgement of others that I've fallen in love with the me God created and approves of!
For almost all of my life I struggled with approval addiction. I wanted everyone to like me, to love me, to be my friend, to encourage me, or just to be positive towards me in any manner. Well those with some life experience can attest to the fact that I would never be successful nor genuinely happy in my attempt to gain total acceptance and approval of man. Why? Because that's just the way it is. I will NEVER reach a place where everyone is pleased with me, with my decisions, or even just my personality. So, God literally bombarded me with TRUTH! I mean, things started happening back to back and I knew it was God. My reactions were less impulsive and instead more reflective. God started revealing things to me through people, their actions, their attitudes and through the Word of God. He wanted me to clearly see that His approval is all I ever needed.
You ever feel like the odd ball or you just don't fit in? I was feeling that way, and I mean a lot! It made me question myself and my confidence started to plumet. And not only did I feel bad when people didn't necessarily like or approve of me, but I equated their disapproval to God's feelings and immediately felt rejected and condemned in His eyes. I was basing my happiness and my confidence off of the reactions of others. So imagine the one-day-I'm-up-next-day-I'm-down battle that I put myself through, only to find that it was all for nought. I am sharing this as a testimony of God's truth! I have discovered that I am not alone in this area. There are others who suffer with this same type of erroneous thinking and people spend their whole lives trying to find happiness through the approval of other people, in constant pursuit of a lost cause.
But God never intended for us to live in that type of bondage! I mean it literally angers me when I think about the times I've allowed fear of rejection or disapproval to determine my actions. Do you know how many opportunities God has given me to display who He is and I rejected them because I was afraid of how people would react?! If they were going to approve of it? If they were going to receive it as from God? Anyway, as I digress, God has given each and every person on this earth a unique identity, a unique voice. There is something unique that everyone can contribute and bring to the table. But if we don't know who we are, how special we are to Him, how unique he designed us to be on purpose (not by chance or accident), not to make us feel like misfits, but to be unique expressions of Him!...then we'll only be carbon copies, never genuinely happy, never really effective, and most importantly never living in God's freedom.
Now I don't profess to know it all because I have definitely created some "Oops scenarios" in my life and I have plenty more to make. But that's the awesome thing about God. When we rely and trust in Him, He'll even use our mistakes to be a blessing and show Himself strong. I've seen it happen too many times. He knows we aren't perfect. That's why He died for us WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS! He never said I'll only love you or accept you if you're perfect. He loves us regardless! And with His love, He gives us His grace and shows us compassion. He is perfecting us until Christ returns. I sat down and thought about that one day. I mean I mulled over it and meditated on it and I realized that I will forever be a work in progress. I will forever be "in development". As long as I have breath in my body, God will constantly take me from faith to faith and glory to glory! That truth literally took the pressure off of me to feel like I needed to be perfect. To feel like I just absolutely have to get it right all the time or else...
Now don't think that I'm saying it's cool to abuse the grace of God and live as you please... Because at the end of the day your life is really not your own. He has a specific purpose for you that only you can fulfill and it is ultimately contribution to His glory! He knows what the big picture is. So our lives should line up with it. But if we wake up today and mess up at some point along the way, He gives us brand new mercy everyday. So the next morning we wake up, we have another perfect opportunity to try again! That's how faithful He is!
God delights in His creation! He loves us with an unfailing, unchanging, unrestricted, uncomparable, unwavering, love! (Read that again slowly, and then just sit and think about that) It is TRUTH! His love is not based on our performance. He loves us simply because He chooses to! and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it! Period! I no longer have to apologize for who I am. I no longer have to feel inferior or unapproved. Because love (God) accepts me flaws and all! Now, I am free to love and celebrate myself. And that same love overflows in me and is made available to every single person I encounter!
Let me encourage you to know that God did not create you to "fit in". He created you to be a unique expression of Himself! You will only be effective by being the "true you". So what if you mess up or make a mistake. He is faithful to forgive you and lead you back to the truth. You can live in freedom knowing that God didn't make any mistakes in his divine creation. As you submit yourself to Him, it is His divine purpose to lead you into His truth throughout your life journey! Follow His lead and if you stumble along the way, trust that He won't leave you! He's the truest friend there is! Period!
God Bless
-Queen